Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu

I was not out at first but came out as I got to know the guys I train with and they got to know me.

Nobody cared. They had opinions about me based on my skills and personality and being gay was not an issue. They treated me like everyone else.

BUT: I had this belief that the guys I trained with were completely off limits and I would not cruise them just like I would never cruise a cousin at a family reunion. I didn’t care if I was the only gay guy (usually but not always true) or anything else. It’s reasonable to expect straight men to train a contact sport with you but you have to behave.

Totally agree.

From my experience I don’t think people care.

I am out at my gym and have been for years. It’s a big club, with probably the best facilities in the country.

It’s never been an issue as far as I know. For me, I just respect everyone, and I talk to as many people as I can. I have made some very close friendships out of jiujitsu, and it put me in an environment where I have met some awesome people I would never have come into contact with in the normal course of life.

Yeah honestly especially with how most people there are right leaning after about a month in being at the gym I just asked my instructor in private if it was cool, and they made it pretty clear that it was perfectly fine and that if anyone had a problem it'd be a problem. Still keep it kinda private with most people but honestly not a lot of people cared too much

Good to know. I don’t think my new gym would care either. They seem cool as long as you show up and are there to work and learn. I’ve shown that they can joke around with me and we’re starting to lower our shields. The professor and his family don’t seem too extremely right wing to me. And it’s such a small place, I think they’re happy to have anyone show up. I still don’t want to bring it up, just because of the area. But they are also from more metro areas, so maybe I wouldn’t be the first. My focus is going to be just showing respect to everyone, focus on working hard and learning.

Shakespeare wrote a play about this issue, "Much ado about nothing". In all my time training only once has this come up and that was a fluke.

In general if you are there to train seriously no one really cares.

We have a group called Triangles Everywhere with nearly 900 LGBTQ+ people who do BJJ. Anytime being out comes up none of the cis gay men report any problems with coming out. Some of the trans women have had some issues but that is more around competition.

The way many people do it is via their social media. They don’t hide anything there and people get the idea.

I’m out at my gym, I’ve not hidden it but I don’t make it my personality either.

There is some banter when someone tries to submit me with “mothers milk” especially some of the very muscled guys, my favourite coach (black belt) will sometimes call out “that’s a Friday night for him Julian try again”

It’s all very chill, I’m very lucky.

There was a couple of incidents, an Iranian guy took offence at a gay guy training at the gym and spoke to the head coach about me, I don’t know what was said but he came up to me and apologised for his actions the coach didn’t stand for it.

The other issue was my instagram has pictures of me and my teammates someone from the internet / here tried to out me by contacting them, thankfully id been totally upfront with the pro wrestling stuff I do so it was shrugged off, but the crazies are out there!

That’s a solid question — and I think everyone’s got their own path with it. For me, I didn’t really say anything at first. I just kept training. Then one day, a black belt pulled me aside and asked, “When you go home sore from training, do you ask your man for a massage?”

I froze for a second — didn’t expect it — but I said, “Yeah, when there’s one around,” and we both cracked up.

That moment changed everything. It was actually a black belt coach at my gym who helped me come out. From that point on, it all felt different — better. I started showing up more, training harder.

What I’ve learned is that martial arts is about respect and honor. No one cares who you love. On the mats, you’re not your sexuality — you’re your belt. You’re your hustle, your discipline, your grit.

Funny enough, the fight club — the place I once thought would be the most hostile — became my safe space. It’s where I feel strongest, and where I feel seen. I look forward to every class. It’s home now.

Thanks for sharing that 🙏

Seems like one of the few places I can ask a very specific group, so here goes. Are you open with your sexuality at your gym? Would you be comfortable being out around your teammates? Basically, is it possible to feel like you fit in where you train, around mostly straight men and a few women?

I’ve been back on the mats almost two years after a mostly false start, just getting my ass kicked as a white belt does. That doesn’t bother me as much as wondering if I will be able to fit in long term. I’m not out, and relationships haven’t really come up in conversation. I’m already certain that I’m the only queer dude, also the oldest and smallest. It’s a small rural place, not really anywhere else to train nearby. It’s a pretty conservative area as well, a lot of not-so-friendly attitudes towards LGBTQ. So far, everyone’s been great, but it’s early, and nobody knows the real me. I’ve gotten good at changing the subject over the course of my life, putting on a poker face, acting dumb, whatever I have to do. It’s the same old thing of wanting to be “one of the guys” but I know I’m not, and might never be. Anybody deal with this? Better yet, anyone have straight male friends who know about your orientation and like and accept you anyway? Interested in what you think. Thanks