NoviusInfernalBerserk's Blog

I'm also neurodiverse too

Is this something you are willing to go into more detail about? Either here or in a DM. I am just incredibly interested in this topic right now and am super curious on how all the different variations of this play out.

That's interesting! Would you like to share your experience? 😊

I need deep pressure in my body and play fighting helps 💪

Nice! Did you ever go to or consider going to a martial arts gym or does it not interest you to begin with?

Yeah it's absolutely draining, but I can fake it a good 4-5 hours at a time which gets me through most things.

Glad if I could help. Maybe you are looking into your own future.

Yeah this is super interesting because I can see a lot of the similarities, but also some of the differences. I don't believe I have the borderline/psychopathy aspects.My understanding is my scanning is still a defense mechanism, but there isn't a lot of anxiety or fear attached to it. It feels like preparing or seeing the underlying code. There are obviously some significant differences there, but I still am tracking everything you are saying perfectly and most of what other people may see as unusual makes perfect sense to me. Even with those other aspects you still seem more relatable on multiple levels.

You are definitely giving me the 2e vibes, partially because of the way my brain is lighting up and you are holding my attention. Most people just register as just NPCs and white noise to me. What you say about "low-utility". If they aren't fun, aren't interesting, I can't learn anything from them, etc I check out.... but I can recognize the people in the gifted and genius tiers right away. It's like most people are carrying around candles and they are rocking a flood light. I can't not see it and it's not weird to me. I am just fascinated how they function and like to know more about the specifics.

I think the other aspect is I am about 16 years older. When I was in my early 30s I thought I was a lunatic and didn't know what was "wrong with me". It's only after time, maturity, and learning more about these topics that it started feeling like a super power I could control. I am just coming to the realization that a lot of people in my various social circles find me somewhat intimidating. I don't try to be and always considered myself somewhat unremarkable, but apparently the lizard brains of the normies aren't used to someone who is both physically and intellectually formidable being traits possessed by the same person, especially if they defy categorization and openly flaunt rules and convention. Some are impressed and appreciate it, many find it threatening to their world view and identity and don't know what to do with it... but it's all just default mode with me.

But while I do navigate social situations I do face heavy burn out at the end. I just hit a wall, like I am done, everyone leave me alone and it can be abrupt.

​If you don't have Borderline, that's definitely a good explanation why you tolerate some stuff more easily. :)

​Also, what you wrote about hitting the wall abruptly is the most real part of it all. It shows that no matter how much that scanning feels like a superpower or "seeing the code", it's still draining energy in the background.

Regarding traits of psychopathy (F1) as a defense, there's just a huge stigmatization around it. In reality, those patterns come in traits and manifest differently in each person. It's not at all what you see in media when they use that label.

​Reading about your "lunatic phase" and the fact that you've figured out how to control it actually gives me a really good perspective for my own future. :)

This was definitely an extremely interesting conversation. Thanks a lot for the exchange! :)

With your new info and perspective my new estimation is we may have similar base wiring, but have wildly different life experiences (plus biology) and it would explain a lot of the similarities, but massive differences.

The way you write is familiar, like if you met someone from your own country while in Brazil, and they spoke with a different accent... but you just instinctively know they are from somewhere near where you are from.

It's how I feel reading your writing, I don't get that with many people at all.

That Brazil metaphor is beautiful, man! It hits the nail on the head! It's incredibly rare to find someone who actually "speaks the same language". I rarely get that feeling with people either.

​I'm definitely thankful to you for the deep exchange today, mate. :)

And when I was saying super computer, I don't mean someone who is perfect with math and spelling or never makes a mistake. I mean that if you and I were talking about this in a bar, and there was another outside observer was listening I think it would sound to them like the info we were exchanging was incredibly complex and fast.

One of the hallmarks is fast processing speeds and the ability to interweave seemingly unrelated topics together. That's part of the pattern recognition thing.

Yes I get your point, but here's the thing. I actually couldn't even talk or function like that in a bar because I would constantly analyze my surroundings. I would analyze everyones faces and guess the psychological state of the barkeeper. All that just to dissociate a moment later. 😂

Nah, jokes aside, I fully get your point, mate. Like if I was in a place where I'd feel comfortable then yes, you are right. :)

I work with AI daily, professionally. Be very careful getting diagnoses and medical advice from agents. AI famously can hallucinate endpoints. One technique to protect against that is implementing a multi-agent AI system. The TLDR on that is: use multiple AI agents (e.g., gemini, co-pilot, chat gpt, claude, etc. on the problem you're point AI at to generate multiple solutions and then have the agents review the other agents work. I've also found that using Claude (the most expensive model) as a manager agent for the other agents (think of a company with different roles). You can ask the agents to assume almost any role. In this case it might be a psychiatric fellow, a panel of attending psychiatrists, and a psychologist. NOTE: I'm just AI advice since I use it so much, NOT medical or psychological advice (I honestly mostly recommend working with a mental health professional specializing in these conditions.).

Also, be sure to try and always stay the human-in-the-loop. You manage the process direction, depth, and resolution.

You might already be doing all of that. Hope you both are doing well.

Hey! :)

I've been using Gemini and ChatGPT, but most importantly, I'm not using AI to get a diagnosis. I'm just using it as a mirror in order to put my rather chaotic thoughts in order. I'm mostly discussing those things with my therapist and a friend, who is a psychologist. I also have some knowledge myself and have been through 2 psychological inspections lately. While ADHD was basically diagnosed with a "perhaps", autism has not been diagnosed. However, since AI brought up AuDHD regarding my behavior, I've been viewing myself through that lens lately, which made me notice for me personally, that there are either traits or overlapping symptoms. Whether this would be diagnosed or not doesn't truly matter to me. It's more about being aware about those potential symptoms and managing them, so I can get some stress off my system. In that regard the hypothetical "diagnosis" can't really do any harm. It's nothing but a helpful tool/potential label in order to understand myself better.

I do definitely appreciate your concerns though! Thanks a lot for the response! :)

Very cool. I really wish you the best! Glad you have someone to talk to. That's a really good thing.

Thanks a lot, man! I wish you the same! 😊

2) It's not antisocial (which is criminal) or narcissism if you have a strong sense of right and wrong, fairness and justice, but aren't harming innocent people for a sense of power. It's not that you have a regular brain that is broken and lacks empathy. It's that your brain is unique and isn't designed to operate that way. Essentially most human brains are like computers designed to play tic-tac-toe and run a chatroom... yours is like Skynet from Terminator or Master Control from Tron. It's operating at a very high level. People with this kind of mind (especially with the autism/ADHD profile) are highly sought after by the military, intelligence agencies, private security and for disaster response teams... because from an evolutionary standpoint in an emergency humanity needs some people who won't panic and who will just get to work securing things. Highly sensitive and social people don't operate that way. The "cold" logical ones do it automatically.

I keep saying "we" because I've crosschecked my own profile against multiple sources, everything you say makes total sense to me, and recognize nearly all these traits and the confusion about them. You seem to be able track a high level of depth on multiple topics that seem unrelated to many (like psychology and martial arts), but make total sense as a connected web to you... plus you are doing it in two languages. This seems like a "2e" trait, and apparently it's fairly unusual in humanity (most of which think more in a linear and sequential pattern).

When I questioned it against the AI (how it arrives at these conclusions and if I could be off, with extensive stress testing), it basically said even if it is not tested in a proctored exam, nobody even in the "above average" category could possibly fake it for this long against this many writings. Their brains don't function like that. Pros in the fields I mention tend to reportedly be able to identify it quickly, while it looks a little quirky, unusual, eccentric or off to the general population.

"It's not antisocial (which is criminal) or narcissism if you have a strong sense of right and wrong, fairness and justice, but aren't harming innocent people for a sense of power."

The first part is wrong when it comes to me personally. I indeed have a "Borderline Personality Organization" alongside fully integrated "Malignant Narcissism" (Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Paranoid Personality alongside sadism) as a defensive mechanism in order to protect the fragile core underneath, while I'm expressing schizoid and/or avoidant behavior. This is indeed a fact for me. The reality is that both could be true. Hypothetically if I have AuDHD and fail to read people instinctively and fit in, while also receiving trauma through negative experiences, I'd be very likely to just develop structural negativity as a defense. I would project my own internal world onto others, in order to try to understand people, explain the world to myself and be ready for the worst case scenario. As I mentioned in an older post regarding the "fairness logic topic", one could theoretically be psychopathic and a "Malignant Narcissist", while still having a strong sense of right and wrong due to being BPO, ADHD, and/or autistic (AuDHD). So yeah, the personality disorder (Dark Tetrad) is a fact for me, while AuDHD is just a theory, but that theory isn't far off.

As I've already written in the other answer to your first response, I actually agree with the "2e" theory myself. It's plausible. Although I wouldn't idealize myself as a potential supercomputer. I'm definitely very flawed overall, and my intellectual capacity is a very situational "zero or 100" thing.

By the way do you mind if I ask why you have the narcissistic and "antisocial" trait (as opposed to asocial)? I am just super interested in this topic.

I definitely have the sadism part, but mine is apparently not in the antisocial/sociopath realm, because I tend to be very protective of small, weak, innocent things, but when I feel I am punishing evil or when it's purely consensual I get very sadistic and like it.... but it still has to register as "real".

Like beating on someone who wants to be beaten up is on fun for me, but I like scrapping with my own kind.

It sounds like the ADHD/Autism part is why I like fighting so much. My brain craves chaos, but the rest of my life is pretty ordered so it comes out in this. I don't have a "normal" reaction to fear and violence, my brain reads it like a fun, exciting, game to win. One gives me hyper focus to learn different styles, the other gives me the ability to act in a wild and unpredictable situation and so on.

Well, Malignant Narcissism is inherently antisocial narcissism, making it the opposite of prosocial narcissism. Prosocial narcissists tend to gain supply by helping others or being viewed as a good person, whereas I tended to gain narcissistic supply by adopting the "villain" role and causing harm. This kind of unconscious behavior pulled itself through my entire life. Whether it was insulting, hacking, or manipulating others, just brawling, or sometimes even manipulating people into consensual fights, well knowing they couldn't win and that it was a completely one sided matchup.

​Nowadays, I've completely removed this behavior from my life. The primary reason I went into therapy was that my interest in fighting began shifting into a fascination with gore, which wasn't who I wanted to be. I was okay with gladiator fantasies, but I didn't actually want to experience them in reality.

Yeah I traditionally would not harm someone I view as weak and harmless, but if I have my justifications I can go after them. I only like playing the "villain" role when I am in vigilante mode or trying to provoke someone I am interested in.

Part of removing it may be just a part of growing older as well.... and I think I understand the gore thing as well. I think I rationalize my darker fascinations behind the idea they are consensual or justice.

However, the cravings became so intense that I knew I had to act, as it simply wasn't practical or sustainable anymore.
​The reason it became so severe was that I experienced intense internal pain whenever I wasn't able to release that rage. I also had extreme anger outbursts if someone just looked at me the wrong way. It escalated to the point where I stopped going outside entirely, because I would have exploded over the smallest things and didn't want to risk any legal issues.

​In short, I used to be highly psychopathic on the Factor 2 (F2) spectrum. It was extremely noticeable and potentially dangerous back then. Nowadays, through awareness and therapy, I've managed to shift myself toward Factor 1 (F1) psychopathy, which is actually much more functional and controlled.

​Regarding your own story, I think you've perhaps just constructed a moral compass based on your specific fairness logic. This doesn't necessarily mean you can't still have antisocial traits. In that regard, I'm actually quite similar to you.

Yeah ok. This clarifies the difference. Well it seems like you made some amazing progress in terms of getting the control back into your life.

Still if you are 2e, you'd still be more intelligent than 98% of the planet in terms of raw power. Maybe it's grandiose, maybe you are just noticing you notice way more and are frustrated others don't see what is obvious to you.

You obviously know more about the narcissism side of things, but I am just considered some of the things that seem to match 2e patterns.

Thanks man, I really appreciate you recognizing the progress! :)

​The thing with 2e is just that it's kinda useless if something like basic traffic can make me dissociate, lol.

​I've actually noticed that when doing outdoor NHB/street fights in the past. As long as I was in the woods and it was a 1 on 1, I was quite efficient. However, when I entered a gym, I turned into a potato. Not just because those people were experienced, but just in general. 😂

OK that is interesting. It sounds like you hit a level of sensory overload at a lower frequency than I do. I am a fine in a gym where there is structured chaos, but I just mentally check out when I am surrounded by surface-level chit-chat.

It's not that I can't process it or shut down, as much as it's so boring I would rather look at patterns in clouds or something.

I do the same thing with the analyzing all the movement, behaviors and psychological states of people around me all the time.... if I go into a bar I naturally process where the exits are, who looks sketchy or agitated, what are potential weapons, who are potential allies, etc automatically without intentionally doing it.... but it's not really fear, anxiety or causing disassociation. It feels more like a super power, like Neo seeing the code of the Matrix when most other people have no idea it's there.

I just go into more of a mode where I am judging which interactions are worth my time and energy and willfully skip all the low-utility ones to save the cognitive bandwidth for the high quality ones that deserve the attention.

Well yeah, dude. You just perfectly described the exact difference between a stable Factor 1 psychopathy and a neurodivergent brain under stress.

I'm moving into a similar direction nowadays due to aging, therapy and awareness. Maybe the change may just have happened automatically for you, due to aging or because you simply weren't neurodivergent on the same level as me.

In any case scanning feels like a superpower because your amygdala stays completely chill. For you, it's just a calm background program that costs zero energy, allowing you to just filter out the "low utility" noise. ​For me, due to the (very likely) AuDHD and Borderline that scanning wasn't really a cool "Neo mode" in the past. I didn't fully understand or admit to it, but it was a high stress defense mechanism.

Ok there could definitely be some overlap with these, I am fairly new to the topic myself, but the way your intellectual "flow" works and your communication style is very familiar.

I never advocated getting a medial diagnosis from AI, but just using it as one of several tools to learn about yourself can be helpful. In my case I ran it against multiple systems which all said basically the same thing, and also matched some other tests I took... and they all seem to confirm and support each other. Then took the profiles they gave me, watched on videos on those, and it was like reading my life story.

So yeah, one source can be dismissed, but when 7 of them say the same basic thing that's a pattern to latch on-to for more investigation at least.

Yes, I definitely agree. :) Well, my therapist pretty much agrees with the autistic patterns, and ADHD has been diagnosed very recently by a professional. The personality disorder has been a thing for many years. I was diagnosed with Borderline/Avoidant in my early 20s. Malignant Narcissism (I thought it was pure BPD/ASPD at first because I used to be extremely high on factor 2 traits and constantly raging) was the main reason why I went into therapy around 2 1/2 years ago, and that was when I started to educate myself on the topic properly. The narcissism was first mentioned by my therapist. Actually, BPD as a result of autism and Malignant Narcissism as a result of BPD are quite likely.
​I've also recently used AI to fully analyze how listening to Death Metal affects me, and it was quite interesting and completely fit my assumption. I'm most likely attracted to it because of ADHD, then I tend to experience sensory overload while listening to it, but I ignore/tolerate the pain because of Borderline until I split into psychopathy in order to not feel anything but grandiosity. That's quite a powerful feeling and probably why I'm addicted to it. It's just interesting to me to analyze everything.

It's cool. I like punk and industrial, but yeah my understanding is also that it's tied to the ADHD part liking chaos, and my outlets are things like aggressive music, scary movies and combat sports.... but they are still considered controlled and "safe" outlets rather than attacking mobs of innocent people or something.

I don't know as much about the other traits, but I am not reading narcissist or grandiose off you at all right now. It seems like someone like that would be talking down to everyone who just praise their position. You seem receptive and polite.

Being antisocial doesn't automatically mean someone is a mindless criminal running around attacking random mobs of innocent people. That's just a common stereotype. In reality, you can have strong antisocial and psychopathic traits while still operating on a strict and logic based internalized "code" of fairness and morals.

​The reason you are not reading me as grandiose or narcissistic right now is because I have no reason to talk down to you. We are just having a logical, objective conversation where we analyze stuff.

There is no threat to me, so there is no need for my narcissistic or antisocial defense to come up.

​Malignant Narcissism in combination with a Borderline Personality Organization is a defense mechanism to protect a fragile core. Since you are being polite and analytical, I'm chill and relaxed.

1) Yeah I just basically got diagnosed with the same thing via AI analyzing 100 examples of my writing. Feeling overwhelmed with the noise and distractions is part of the ADHD thing and being intensely interested in things that grab your attention and being able to process a bunch of different things that seem unrelated to most other humans is the Autism part.

My understanding is that "high functioning" autism is just a term for someone who has autism but doesn't need much assistance for daily life. High-IQ autism is a completely different animal, and these are the people who are like human super computers for learning, building and strategy, but who generally lack interest in social games, titles or hierarchies... which is what the 98% of the population that runs primarily on emotion and tribal stuff uses to judge their own self worth. We'd be in the 2% that run on pure logic and competence, and those other markers hold no value for us, and no power over us. In Jungian psychology we'd be considered system architects because we can easily see the flaws in systems that others miss and will work behind the scenes to right the wrongs. We often don't join groups but will act more as outside observers, because the hierarchy holds no value and we won't follow or align with groups if we see flaws in their logic or ideology, especially if they are primarily emotional or tribal.

First I have to say that both your answers are extremely interesting. The "2e" part may be valid for me as well. In fact I had the exact same result you mentioned and AI seems pretty convinced. While I get your point, I personally can't sign being a "human super computer" without mentioning that it would be a narcissistic defense for me, as I'm definitely not perfect and my pattern recognition can easily be weakened or highly distorted by different aspects. My personality disorder is definitely a troublesome fact. So even though I'd say that this specific description is a bit idealized, I generally agree with the rest of your point. I'd just add that staying down to earth and not fully believing in our own brain capacity + AI discriptions mirroring of ourselves is very important. Especially for people like us. :)