NoviusInfernalBerserk's Blog
Berserkergang, Rage Control and Mechanical Worldview: My last Youtube Community Post for now (Crosspost)
This is my last Youtube Community Post for now:
The Last Chapter: Berserkergang, Rage Control and Mechanical Worldview
The Last Chapter: Berserkergang, Rage Control and Mechanical Worldview Hey guys! This post will most likely be my last "philosophical"/psychological post for now, and it will mostly be focused on topics like "Berserkergang", "Rage Control" & "Mechanical Worldview", but it will also cover some other info about me, gaming, and my YouTube channel and its future.
I had some sort of hyperfocus on psychological self-discovery and integrating my pathological personality traits, but I have now left all mental health support groups because the reality is that my Borderline core alongside its defenses is now fully integrated. I'm of course still different than most people, but I just don't consider myself pathological anymore. The potential neurodivergency was the last piece of the puzzle I was missing in order to accomplish that. In short, I feel like there's simply nothing left to discover, and posting both a training partner-search profile as well as a dating profile openly was my last move to provide max. information density about myself on the internet. Even if there'll be new background-related info, it probably won't be personality-developing anymore. Learning to be okay with my "pure berserker role" and not going to a martial arts gym was the most important step towards freedom for me (This does not mean that I'll never go there, but that I'm ok with not going). It completely ended my episodes of uncontrolled delusions and pseudo-psychosis. I nowadays got over the fact that I won't be a fighter in the traditional, socially accepted way, and that's okay for me. I will continue my own philosophical path of just being what I consider to be a "philosophical berserker". In gaming history, Berserkers have never been the most successful type of fighters or warriors. Their primal power coming from psychological defenses and physical training makes them dangerous, but they aren't the most technical or efficient fighters. When we look at history, there are different meanings to that word, but I personally relate to the version of a berserker that was translated into fiction.
The modern version of the berserkergang isn't just about unleashing rage; it's also about controlling it. When I was a rather unreflected, dissocial, and dissociative borderline guy during my teens and early 20s, I was mostly using it to enhance my rage, but for someone who already has ADHD and a borderline organization, this wasn't the right path. I was socially avoidant in everyday life because I was smart enough to understand my situation, but I ultimately didn't care much about control. I secretly just wanted to unleash my internal anger on a like-minded individual via consensual fighting. When someone tried to anger me, I was completely overwhelmed by narcissistic rage enhanced by borderline emotions. I wasn't entirely sure if I'd be able to control my anger if someone actually insulted me in real life. Every "wrong" stare and every "wrong" word was a trigger that made me either explode or implode. I did have phases where I practiced mindfulness, but especially in my mid to late 20s, my "malignant narcissism" and misanthropy completely took over, meaning I was glorifying any type of damage in a very unhealthy and self-damaging way. "Malignant Narcissism" sounds, seems, and feels powerful, but it ultimately means being a slave. Realizing this has made me more schizoid and helped me start to value emotional control, which ultimately brought me to the modern and ultimate version of the berserkergang. I now fully learned to differentiate between different anger states and causes. Like differentiating between an autistic meltdown (which translates into an anger outburst when having antisocial personality disorder), borderline rage caused by justice sensitivity, hyper-empathy, social anxiety, or internal fear of abandonment, and the most dangerous and intense one: the narcissistic rage caused by being devalued or challenged by another human being. My factor 2 psychopathy was translating every emotion, every overstimulation, and every insecurity into severe rage, and without my current knowledge, I wasn't able to tell the difference, which led to being a toxic and potentially dangerous mess. The solution to this was learning to control my affect isolation and "overwrite" the rage temporarily in order to transform the energy into a meaningful activity via sublimation later on. I was of course partly doing this for a long period of time already without fully understanding it, but with knowledge, metacognition, and actual control, I nowadays know how stable I actually am. This is the perfect and most Machiavellian application of the berserkergang into modern days and the mental state someone like me should be chasing.
This whole approach has made my online presentation more schizoid, and my worldview turned even more mechanical than it already was. I filter my energy and social contacts more efficiently and don't just let everyone take up a place in my brain. The only thing that could theoretically still make me act out is my own sadism being used against someone who'd attack me in a socially accepted way, but controlling and holding back cold, calculated sadism isn't really that hard. I also try to become less of a slave to my own narcissistic, histrionic, and dopamine/sensation-seeking urges by moderating them in a way they draw less energy. The "decapitation of my ego" wasn't self-destruction; it was just my way of reframing my ego and berserker-image. I recently, however, flipped on the ending of my "Ike Post" because I noticed that the functional warrior-metaphor was a way of mentally trying to become a "perfectionist" again. In reality, it's probably better to accept I'm naturally just more of a medium-big guy and go with the more typical human berserker affirmation-image. Even though my real-life body doesn't translate into the in-game bodybuilder image, it's still closer to it, since I'm closer to a heavyweight and feel more comfortable when being around 100 kg. However, I think the post is still interesting because it shows how the combination of borderline and body dysmorphia makes me flip sometimes. In the end, both images have their advantages, and for a burst berserker, a more massive body type is overall just more fitting. I'm personally not really a versatile guy, which brings me back to the efficiency topic regarding martial arts and why I'll just continue my life and training the way it currently is. After all, life isn't about being the most successful; it's about finding ourselves and making the most out of what we've been given. Feeling individually happy is ultimately the best measurement for living life in an efficient way, and if my narcissism would have made me become what's socially seen as a respectable martial artist without me truly feeling it, I would just have been the ultimate slave to narcissistic supply.
I actually almost forgot to explain what truly happens to me during gaming/sport sessions: In one of my posts at the beginning of this journey, I mentioned that I play in a "dissociative state", but a truly dissociative state would make one dysfunctional. I do have dissociative moments when I'm tired, but the state I'm actually in most of the time is a mix of hyperfocus, affect isolation (berserkergang: enhancing and erasing anger/emotions within seconds), and a high-functioning flow state. The combination of those three things is my personal ultimate version of the berserkergang. I didn't use it in my training videos because I was too busy filming them, but this is how I usually operate when training alone and the reason why my training videos collapse execution-wise while I'm doing much better without filming them. Although obviously not technically, because I didn't truly understand how to train technique on my own without getting distracted and therefore still lack technique. If I manage to do specific technique training via online videos, there should be some improvement in the future, but I'll see. In any case, dissociation is not what makes me play games or train the way I do; it's only a defense mechanism that triggers when my personal berserkergang collapses at some point. Unfortunately, this explanation will most likely fail to be a "tutorial" for most people, simply because I have a very specific psychological architecture and don't really know if anyone else can get into that specific state. I'm sure there are fighters or people who do it automatically without even fully understanding it, though. In any case, I've now shared all my knowledge and theories on this topic, and there's nothing else to explain.
So yeah, I've finally finished my self-discovery journey and Guild Wars 2 theory-crafting, but now it's time to just fully dive into sports, gaming, and my other hobbies, as well as experiencing the real world again! My Meetfighters Blog, which is my main tool for mood regulation via writing, will probably still continue, but it will also be fully focused on my mood and personal updates or things I wanna share. YouTube content will continue for my own joy, but as I've always said, I'm just a normal, personal channel like everyone else and everything I do is for myself. There's no goal behind it, and I don't know if I'll ever post another game or topic as excessively as Guild Wars 2. There's of course no guarantee that I won't post YouTube community posts again in the future, but for now, I don't plan to continue since there's nothing else to say about the topics of my channel. I'm definitely at the end of my current chapter in life. If I'll ever write background- or gaming-related posts again, they will probably show in a new overview post, where my GW2-related overview post will just be linked as a part of it.
In any case, I wish the best to everyone who happens to read this and/or follows my channel or social media in some way. :)
The Last Chapter: Berserkergang, Rage Control and Mechanical Worldview Hey guys! This post will most likely be my last "philosophical"/psychological post for now, and it will mostly be focused on topics like "Berserkergang", "Rage Control" & "Mechanical Worldview", but it will also cover some other info about me, gaming, and my YouTube channel and its future.
I had some sort of hyperfocus on psychological self-discovery and integrating my pathological personality traits, but I have now left all mental health support groups because the reality is that my Borderline core alongside its defenses is now fully integrated. I'm of course still different than most people, but I just don't consider myself pathological anymore. The potential neurodivergency was the last piece of the puzzle I was missing in order to accomplish that. In short, I feel like there's simply nothing left to discover, and posting both a training partner-search profile as well as a dating profile openly was my last move to provide max. information density about myself on the internet. Even if there'll be new background-related info, it probably won't be personality-developing anymore. Learning to be okay with my "pure berserker role" and not going to a martial arts gym was the most important step towards freedom for me (This does not mean that I'll never go there, but that I'm ok with not going). It completely ended my episodes of uncontrolled delusions and pseudo-psychosis. I nowadays got over the fact that I won't be a fighter in the traditional, socially accepted way, and that's okay for me. I will continue my own philosophical path of just being what I consider to be a "philosophical berserker". In gaming history, Berserkers have never been the most successful type of fighters or warriors. Their primal power coming from psychological defenses and physical training makes them dangerous, but they aren't the most technical or efficient fighters. When we look at history, there are different meanings to that word, but I personally relate to the version of a berserker that was translated into fiction.
The modern version of the berserkergang isn't just about unleashing rage; it's also about controlling it. When I was a rather unreflected, dissocial, and dissociative borderline guy during my teens and early 20s, I was mostly using it to enhance my rage, but for someone who already has ADHD and a borderline organization, this wasn't the right path. I was socially avoidant in everyday life because I was smart enough to understand my situation, but I ultimately didn't care much about control. I secretly just wanted to unleash my internal anger on a like-minded individual via consensual fighting. When someone tried to anger me, I was completely overwhelmed by narcissistic rage enhanced by borderline emotions. I wasn't entirely sure if I'd be able to control my anger if someone actually insulted me in real life. Every "wrong" stare and every "wrong" word was a trigger that made me either explode or implode. I did have phases where I practiced mindfulness, but especially in my mid to late 20s, my "malignant narcissism" and misanthropy completely took over, meaning I was glorifying any type of damage in a very unhealthy and self-damaging way. "Malignant Narcissism" sounds, seems, and feels powerful, but it ultimately means being a slave. Realizing this has made me more schizoid and helped me start to value emotional control, which ultimately brought me to the modern and ultimate version of the berserkergang. I now fully learned to differentiate between different anger states and causes. Like differentiating between an autistic meltdown (which translates into an anger outburst when having antisocial personality disorder), borderline rage caused by justice sensitivity, hyper-empathy, social anxiety, or internal fear of abandonment, and the most dangerous and intense one: the narcissistic rage caused by being devalued or challenged by another human being. My factor 2 psychopathy was translating every emotion, every overstimulation, and every insecurity into severe rage, and without my current knowledge, I wasn't able to tell the difference, which led to being a toxic and potentially dangerous mess. The solution to this was learning to control my affect isolation and "overwrite" the rage temporarily in order to transform the energy into a meaningful activity via sublimation later on. I was of course partly doing this for a long period of time already without fully understanding it, but with knowledge, metacognition, and actual control, I nowadays know how stable I actually am. This is the perfect and most Machiavellian application of the berserkergang into modern days and the mental state someone like me should be chasing.
This whole approach has made my online presentation more schizoid, and my worldview turned even more mechanical than it already was. I filter my energy and social contacts more efficiently and don't just let everyone take up a place in my brain. The only thing that could theoretically still make me act out is my own sadism being used against someone who'd attack me in a socially accepted way, but controlling and holding back cold, calculated sadism isn't really that hard. I also try to become less of a slave to my own narcissistic, histrionic, and dopamine/sensation-seeking urges by moderating them in a way they draw less energy. The "decapitation of my ego" wasn't self-destruction; it was just my way of reframing my ego and berserker-image. I recently, however, flipped on the ending of my "Ike Post" because I noticed that the functional warrior-metaphor was a way of mentally trying to become a "perfectionist" again. In reality, it's probably better to accept I'm naturally just more of a medium-big guy and go with the more typical human berserker affirmation-image. Even though my real-life body doesn't translate into the in-game bodybuilder image, it's still closer to it, since I'm closer to a heavyweight and feel more comfortable when being around 100 kg. However, I think the post is still interesting because it shows how the combination of borderline and body dysmorphia makes me flip sometimes. In the end, both images have their advantages, and for a burst berserker, a more massive body type is overall just more fitting. I'm personally not really a versatile guy, which brings me back to the efficiency topic regarding martial arts and why I'll just continue my life and training the way it currently is. After all, life isn't about being the most successful; it's about finding ourselves and making the most out of what we've been given. Feeling individually happy is ultimately the best measurement for living life in an efficient way, and if my narcissism would have made me become what's socially seen as a respectable martial artist without me truly feeling it, I would just have been the ultimate slave to narcissistic supply.
I actually almost forgot to explain what truly happens to me during gaming/sport sessions: In one of my posts at the beginning of this journey, I mentioned that I play in a "dissociative state", but a truly dissociative state would make one dysfunctional. I do have dissociative moments when I'm tired, but the state I'm actually in most of the time is a mix of hyperfocus, affect isolation (berserkergang: enhancing and erasing anger/emotions within seconds), and a high-functioning flow state. The combination of those three things is my personal ultimate version of the berserkergang. I didn't use it in my training videos because I was too busy filming them, but this is how I usually operate when training alone and the reason why my training videos collapse execution-wise while I'm doing much better without filming them. Although obviously not technically, because I didn't truly understand how to train technique on my own without getting distracted and therefore still lack technique. If I manage to do specific technique training via online videos, there should be some improvement in the future, but I'll see. In any case, dissociation is not what makes me play games or train the way I do; it's only a defense mechanism that triggers when my personal berserkergang collapses at some point. Unfortunately, this explanation will most likely fail to be a "tutorial" for most people, simply because I have a very specific psychological architecture and don't really know if anyone else can get into that specific state. I'm sure there are fighters or people who do it automatically without even fully understanding it, though. In any case, I've now shared all my knowledge and theories on this topic, and there's nothing else to explain.
So yeah, I've finally finished my self-discovery journey and Guild Wars 2 theory-crafting, but now it's time to just fully dive into sports, gaming, and my other hobbies, as well as experiencing the real world again! My Meetfighters Blog, which is my main tool for mood regulation via writing, will probably still continue, but it will also be fully focused on my mood and personal updates or things I wanna share. YouTube content will continue for my own joy, but as I've always said, I'm just a normal, personal channel like everyone else and everything I do is for myself. There's no goal behind it, and I don't know if I'll ever post another game or topic as excessively as Guild Wars 2. There's of course no guarantee that I won't post YouTube community posts again in the future, but for now, I don't plan to continue since there's nothing else to say about the topics of my channel. I'm definitely at the end of my current chapter in life. If I'll ever write background- or gaming-related posts again, they will probably show in a new overview post, where my GW2-related overview post will just be linked as a part of it.
In any case, I wish the best to everyone who happens to read this and/or follows my channel or social media in some way. :)
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