ChrisWrestling's blog

I just did a coffee date with a guy off of sniffies (I know, I know, don't judge me) and the guy identifies as straight but I wasn't the first man he was meeting with and NOT the first he had played with.  One thing that stood out to me was that he identified as Dom and insisted that he doesn't suck dick and nothing goes up his ass.  34 years old.  The conversation went ok but a few things stood out like that he was very much so not straight, was clearly not comfortable about it, and was holding on to archaic positional roles.  It reminded me a bit of when I was coming out and still Christian and reading books like "Jesus, the Bible, and Homosexuality" by Jack Rogers which at times looked at the historical context of when a man fucked another man which was an act of putting the person on bottom into a inferior position and was less about a loving sexual connection and joint pleasure.

This attitude is certainly alive and well today in D/s roles but I have known Dominants who are bottoms.  Why not?  Especially for gay men prostate play is all about pleasure and just because someone is a Dominant doesn't mean that wanting to be receptive makes you any less of a Dominant.  There are certainly plenty of people on Grindr or Sniffies who identify themselves as Dom when in fact they just like rough topping and getting their dick sucked and don't have any clue what a Dominant is or what it means to be Dominant.  Even worse, some people take it as a permission slip to be abusive.

In my meetup today one of the things I discussed was that being a Dominant is more about taking care of your sub just as much as it is about your sub taking care of you.  Oftentimes subs feel like they are always in charge at work and take submissive roles so that they can have a break from making the decisions.  Sometimes subs are in a place in their development where they feel insecure about the place they are in their lives and need someone to substitute the role of the parent.  Subs often need to feel safe and taken care of.  Some subs disappear into house work and just zone out.  Then there is love language, which is how I think my husband's sub works.  To him, caring for his master is how he expresses love.  When I met my Dom out of college I was struggling to get on my feet in the real world and he made me stronger and more self reliant.

Trust in BDSM sometimes comes too easily.  The guy I was talking with today described a guy who wanted to have a forced BJ and the guy stated that the more he resisted the more he wanted to be forced to keep going but when the guy I was talking to did force him the guy freaked out, yelled and left.  The the consensual non consent (CNC) fantasy didn't match the reality.  This kind of thing makes me a little guarded about the rise in popularity of CNC where I really don't think many people are actually going through it.

This brings me to a line I heard in the comedy show, Sex Education, where the main character basically challenged my view of consent by introducing me to the concept of enthusiastic consent vs consent.  When you think about it, coercion can lead to consent but that doesn't mean that the other person actually wants it.  The "menu" as my friend Dan calls it, is part of the negotiation phase where the sub says what is off limits and what they actually want.  For clarity, almost 20 years in the leather community I still cannot tell you everything I do not consent to.  Actually a former friend, Hugh, had a boy in a bar come up to him, called him Sir, and told him he consented to everything so Hugh told him to get on his knees and drink his piss.  The boy recoiled, said that was disgusting and that he wouldn't do it.  We all have limits and there is nothing wrong with disclosing them but you cannot set a boundary for sounding, for example, if you've never heard of it.  The point here being that just because someone hasn't expressed a limit doesn't mean it isn't there so it is up to the Dominant to discuss what they want to do ahead of time if it wasn't part of the negotiations.  Personally I wouldn't try to throw a surprise in til maybe the 3rd session at the earliest and it wouldn't come out of the blue.

When the Dominant ties someone up, that takes significant trust from the sub (though subs do have legal recourse that favors them so it's not like the Dom is playing risk free) whose dick may be what's actually doing the consenting (especially if they are new) and thorough consideration for what could happen.  When someone is restrained properly, they are truly helpless and plenty can go wrong even if the Dom is loving, competent, and respects the subs boundaries.  Funny that as I am writing this someone on sniffies just asked me to rape him and was very resistant to my advise which was to ask a friend to find a friend he didn't know but whom the friend trusted so at least there is some level of safety.  I asked if he had done it before, he said no and this is actually relevant to this post in that it is the Dom's responsibility to know that no one can truly consent to something they have never experienced.  Personally I want intense bondage scenes that induce panic BECAUSE I have been in bondage that made me panic and I actually loved it.  I can consent to CNC with bodyscissors because I have been in bodyscissors and know what I am asking.  A sub who has never been truly vulnerable before doesn't know what they are getting into which goes back to the responsibility of the Dom to take care of the sub and be the adult in the room.

The point I'm getting at is that for many, being Dominant is to be a rough sex top, some it is to be abusive, some it's getting your way but that isn't what it is, none of it is.  D/s is about an exchange in needs and what we do, we do out of love.  If your sub wants to drink your piss or be called a faggot that is certainly part of it but ultimately it still comes from a place of love.  We do what we do because both parties are getting something they want out of it.  Without this it is just abuse.