ChrisWrestling's blog

There was a wrestling event last night that I didn't get to go to because I registered too late and was stuck on the wait list. A friend of mine went and while we will be talking about what happened this evening he did call last night and said something I think is worth discussing.  He said that he felt like an alien, not the word he used, in that space because wrestling is his sexuality.  It struck me hard because I feel the same way all of the time. The thing is that people are attracted to wrestling for very different reasons and while that's one of the things that makes it so wonderful it also creates a less cohesive community.

While certain phrases are common such as, "I just like the body contact", what that means for each individual can actually be incredibly different.  While some are looking for connection others are looking for a hook up.  Some want erotic while to others the wrestling itself is what they find gratifying.  This makes the writing of profiles an art which few people actually take the time to perfect while others don't even bother to read. This can make finding like-minded people very challenging and while we don't discuss this the result can mean many guys feel isolated in the community that should feel inclusive.

I feel this a lot.  For a lot of people joining this community can be challenging because it takes experience to actually know ourselves, let alone be able to navigate profiles, groups, and chat rooms to discover those like us.  It's part of why I started the youtube channel.  My growth in BJJ taught me a love of the sport that I wanted to share and when I felt like no one felt the way I do I stopped investing my time in it.  The truth is that I don't feel at home or seen anywhere I go, the closest was at the sin city classic but even then my experience felt fragmented.  

Honestly, my being on the waitlist for the event last night was because I dragged my feet because I anticipated a very lonely experience. The event was not advertised on here, the guy behind it is a wannabe influencer (not on here) who changes his brand every 4 months and have a whomping 130ish followers. The event was generic in it's advertising and I expected it to be like wrestling at a gay bar.  I don't know if I was right, I guess I'll find out tonight.  What I anticipated was that it would be mostly a bunch of gay guys with no experiencing starting from standing with no idea how to break fall, trying to muscle everything, and then it turning into a big frotting session.  Not saying there is anything wrong with that (beyond some major safety concerns) but it's the kind of environment that I would likely feel alien in as a highly trained grappler whose sense of identity is actually tied into wrestling vs a bunch of guys who showed up because they thought it might be hot and see it entirely as foreplay. 

For some it's exclusively about the gear, for others the gear means nothing to them.  For some it's about dominance or submission, while others it's about humping each other in gear.  Last month I met up with a guy for a squash match where I would be dominated and he spent the entire time dry humping me, often when I was in unsafe positions where that kind of motion could lead to spinal injury and paralysis or death.  I called it out half way through and was ready to leave but decided to give him another chance and after the talk things actually got worse.  He's not entirely at fault, mind you, I was uncomfortable with how much it was about humping or licking me and I wasn't into him so if felt invasive so when I started to escape or defend I would end up in unsafe positions that he didn't recognize, due to his inexperience, were unsafe.  I did him a favor by not marking him as a past opponent or flagging him because ultimately I don't think it was intentional and I do think he is a good guy who just hasn't learned to not make it all about him. But that's kind of the point here, it's challenging to ensure both parties want the same thing and are on the same page even through negotiations.  Turn that into a crowd of people who all have a different mindset than you and suddenly you feel completely alone.

When I think about my experience at the Sin City Classic, what was new to me was being in a room of gay men who take wrestling seriously enough. For them it wasn't foreplay but an expression of who they are and in a lot of ways they were very like me but it's a sporting event so it didn't touch on my sexuality... still one of the best experiences of my life.  Contrast that with Wrestlefest NYC, I ended up teaching more than anything else and again it was more about the sport, which was great but there was also more of a permission for people to be open about it being a turn on to them.  Contrast that with the bar events, I felt more surrounded by the pro-enthusiast crowd that to me is a completely different thing.  We also had a lot of guys who wanted to do more collegiate styles which didn't have representation that year (though I hear the classes were more freestyle focused last year since I couldn't go and am super sad I missed).  I think that something that is missing from the approaches to wrestlefests so far is understanding and catering to the different types of wrestlers at the events.  A big part of that is a lack of resources.  Scooter and I are talking about my teaching again this upcoming fest and they will have freestyle again, pro events and while the Red Eye has two suitable rooms we don't have the mats to use both.  

Another case in point about the year I went was that a bear I had talked to was complaining that there were no official wrestlefest bear events (though there was one that weekend being hosted by another bar).  Here's the thing and I do think that this is the solution is that, first off we all need to do better about communicating who we are and what we want.  The other thing is that we can't keep waiting for other people to create the events and expect that our needs will be catered to.  Wrestlefests are predominantly free events but I do think we need to start fundraising for them at the very least.  They should come with a suggested donation when you register.  I don't think it would be right to turn people away if they can't pay but I do think we can do better for each other if we invested in what we want from these events.  You want a special event for wrestlefest, start a fundraiser, talk to the organizers, they can share the fundraiser with people planning on going to WF and probably help you get a venue and put your event on the official calendar. The organizers do a lot of work for this community and we need to stop expecting them to be able to know or provide what everyone wants from it, it's just not possible.

I don't know all the answers on how to find that feeling of connection, to feel included and like you belong, that's an ancient question people have been trying to answer for all of human existence.  That being said I think it helps to know that we all struggle with it and that there are those we all do belong with.  I commend my friend for trying this event, it wasn't right for him it seems but that's part of the journey.  We go and we try, fail, succeed, no matter what we keep going.  I have found many wonderful people in this community, none of them perfect matches, but perfection doesn't exist.  All there is is good enough.  We all have these imperfect hookups that make the journey worthwhile and we should embrace that.

I'll close with this: this is not a piece intended on making value statements on one approach to wrestling over another.  I am biased towards what I like.  I think this is an opportunity for us all to voice our truths, struggles, needs, and reflect on what can make this community better.