NoviusInfernalBerserk's Blog
The Decapitation of my Ego
The Decapitation of my Ego
Hey guys! I recently had so many doctor examinations regarding my health state, that I decided to create a social media background post. I will try to be as accurate regarding my personality, way of thinking and current health state as I can, but this also means, that this will be a rather "dark" post. I will turn it into a metaphoric exploration of labels, fitting the theme of my profile and obsession with berserker lore, gaming and martial topics but I will still make it as accurate and honest as possible. This text would be completely meaningless, if it wouldn't actually show me.
As I've shared before, I'm living with a diagnosis of "combined personality disorder", which has a main presentation of covert/overt "malignant narcissism", that's built on a borderline organized foundation. I was recently confirmed to have excessive ADHD as well, so this is an update on my current overall situation after that diagnosis. I've also been using AI as a mirror alongside clinical information to study my way of thinking further, so I will also explain my exact state of psychopathy, how it affects me and why my personal goal as a "malignant" narcissist is autonomy and peace instead of destruction or fighting nowadays.
I've never communicated my narcissism this directly, but the truth is, that I'm dealing with a severe internal god complex and as much as I would like to make this a story about how great I am, I need to go out of my comfort zone and destroy my ego in order to be fully honest. First of all, unlike my video game characters, I'm not an actual berserker in real life. I'm a paranoid, fragile and intelligent, but mentally ill man in a small town, who barely leaves the safety of his home. I always wanted to be a fighter or a warrior. Something, that's strong enough to feel as save as an average, healthy human being, but I'm mentally merely the shadow of a berserker lurking in the dark and waiting to get the first strike on someone, who threatens me. I've nowadays fully accepted this fact internally and my playstyle in videos games like Guild Wars 2 actually resembles this exact scenario. My martial arts training at home without ever testing actual pressure in a gym or actual competition is just another symptom of extreme anxiety. I'm a secondary psychopath with extreme levels of anger thanks to my borderline organization. My executive Factor 2 is minimized, while my Factor 1 "secondary coldness" is now at executive maximum. Due to high metacognition and having an ADHD-brain, that's constantly analyzing every situation, I completely lack any impulsivity in life. I'm cold, strategic and calculating, but I also have a very strict moral code, which keeps me out of prison as long as I feel safe. Dissociation is my only way to ever get out of analyzing everything.
So why do I have a diagnosis of "combined personality disoder", despite ultimately being a narcissist? Over the years, I was basically diagnosed with one personality disorder after another. The reason for this is my borderline organized foundation. Due to ADHD, being highly sensitive and also being intelligent, I couldn't really deal with life. Over time, I collected defensive strategies (personality disorders) like different weapons and armors in a video game. "Malignant Narcissism" isn't my true self. It's simply my strongest weapon but there's nothing underneath and there's no cure for me. Catholics would say, that I'm the "incarnation of the devil", because I'm the physical manifestion of the dark tetrad. I started off sensitive and empathetic in life, but ultimately ended up having nothing positive at my core. Due to a combination of paranoia, anxiety and my intellect, I luckily have a very good defense against any criminality but this comes with the sacrifice of ever having the chance to be a real fighter.
My life as a kid/teenager was full of manipulation and toxicity. I played with human nature like a little kid in a sandbox trying to figure out how people work. This led to masking myself with different kinds of personalities at a very high level in order to be able to fit any social situation and it's the reason why people often do not buy my personality to be real despite me openly communicating it. Me being this open doesn't come from an urge to be honest. It stems from being a narcissistic clown, who can't actively feel any fear, guilt, sadness or shame, despite internally being full of it. My narcissism will pay the ultimate price just to be seen without blinking and even negativity becomes just another form of narcisstic supply.
Why did I actually do consensual "street" fights for years in the past when I'm internally fragile, paranoid and anxious? This was the attempt to live out my malignant structure, borderline intensity and antisocial traits in real life. I fail to feel and recognize fear internally and fighting would completely turn off my brain for a moment. The realness of the moment is relaxing, while the aspect of "no rules Fighting" is very tempting for my intense sadism. Once the situation was over, my brain however constantly calculated risks and I simply couldn't stop it from doing so. Over the years I decided to simply not take the risk anymore because I wanted to stop gambling with potential law issues but the decision to not fight is being carried by my unstable borderline organization, so I'm always at the risk of doing those kind of consensual fights again. Even just the thought of quitting completely triggers emptiness, because I have no personality. My self-preservation instinct doesn't allow me to break any laws but my urge to fight doesn't stop, so I'm mentally in a constant clinch with society, causing me a lot of anger. The reality of being completely empty inside alongside my fear of prison and the urge to fight being the only thing that still makes me human has turned me schizoid over time and this is what someone currently sees on the outside. I'm someone with little genuine interest in any human interaction, who's forced to train for hours by his ADHD like a slave and collect meaningless progress as well as kills in games like a robot in order to feed his antisocial narcissism. Setting autonomy as my personal goal, while being aware, that a narcissist will never be able to truly reach it is simply my way of surviving this situation and reach my goal of staying out of any trouble. Not because I'm a good person, but because I'm more afraid of punishment than anyone else.
Unfortunately autonomy is just a lie as long I'm in need of this society, while this text is just another attempt to fight my endless boredom. I'm at a point where my narcissism is constantly trying to destroy itself and this text is the result.
It's the ultimate decapitation of my ego.
EDIT:
Small correction to create a more complete picture: In this post I wrote, that I have "nothing positive at my core", but I realize, that this is where it turns into an overly dramatic discription of how I walk through life on a basic level.
The reality is a bit different though. I'm closer to a "dark empath" than a "pure psychopath". I'm built on a sensitive and empathetic but also angry system. F1 psychopathy is a mode I've developed to fight my aggression (F2 psychopathy) and control my borderline organization. I simply turn empathy off in everyday life and the result is close to the maximum, but I also actively use it for people I consider worthy, meaning, that my close circle will receive it. I also have a lot of empathy with victims of crimes, people with disability or animals in a cage whenever I want to and yes, I actually choose to feel it actively. The reality is, that I actively train both modes cause I think it's better to have more tools than less.
Where this part is correct however, is my bonding mechanism: I barely bond if someone hasn't already proved to be useful in some way. The strategic function of F1 traits is quite high and it makes me seem "dark" or emotionally unapproachable sometimes. I'm kinda like those vegans, who think people should d!e because they eat animals. Not as extreme or in this exact sense, but regarding specific criminals, violent offenders or animal abusers for example. I may have sadism and lack empathy (at times or when I choose to) but I also have an internalized moral code.
EDIT:
Small correction to create a more complete picture: In this post I wrote, that I have "nothing positive at my core", but I realize, that this is where it turns into an overly dramatic discription of how I walk through life on a basic level.
The reality is a bit different though. I'm closer to a "dark empath" than a "pure psychopath". I'm built on a sensitive and empathetic but also angry system. F1 psychopathy is a mode I've developed to fight my aggression (F2 psychopathy) and control my borderline organization. I simply turn empathy off in everyday life and the result is close to the maximum, but I also actively use it for people I consider worthy, meaning, that my close circle will receive it. I also have a lot of empathy with victims of crimes, people with disability or animals in a cage whenever I want to and yes, I actually choose to feel it actively. The reality is, that I actively train both modes cause I think it's better to have more tools than less.
Where this part is correct however, is my bonding mechanism: I barely bond if someone hasn't already proved to be useful in some way. The strategic function of F1 traits is quite high and it makes me seem "dark" or emotionally unapproachable sometimes. I'm kinda like those vegans, who think people should d!e because they eat animals. Not as extreme or in this exact sense, but regarding specific criminals, violent offenders or animal abusers for example. I may have sadism and lack empathy (at times or when I choose to) but I also have an internalized moral code.
albig89 (33 )
4/26/2026 7:26 PMIf anything you're more self-aware and honest than many who preach about "leaving ego at the door" and are actually some of the most self-centered people ever.
NoviusInfernalBerserk (4)
4/26/2026 7:55 PM(In reply to this)
Thanks mate. I see ego as a tool, not a burden. I have destroyed my "berserker fantasy" just to wear a new crown. Many people probably just lack the capacity to own their structure, so they end up hiding themselves. I prefer the clarity of the darkness over the delusion of "leaving ego at the door".
scissoredtight (12)
4/26/2026 1:56 PMSounds like you are blessed with incredible self awareness. You clearly are intelligent at the highest levels and you are a pretty interesting guy. Deception may have been a huge part of your life in the past but you were brutally honest here. I think you've got a lot of traits on the plus side. Good luck..
NoviusInfernalBerserk (4)
4/26/2026 3:12 PM(In reply to this)
Thanks a lot man! I'm actively trying. I did manipulate automatically while watching it from the outside. I felt great being that kind of person. Later in my life I started to tell the absolute truth cause people couldn't see through me, no matter how honest I was but nowadays I realize, that I was just manipulating people with honesty. Even currently my life doesn't work without manipulation, cause I need to manipulate peoples mind in order to even give them a chance to see through me and understand how I feel. It's quite complicated but I'm not doing it for anything bad anymore.
GaryLincs (9 )
4/26/2026 1:54 PMHi fella.
Dark indeed.
Will attempt to throw you a ray of light or a glimpse of hope.
You have a friend here.
I am sorry for everything you are constantly going through.
Here for you.
NoviusInfernalBerserk (4)
4/26/2026 2:44 PM(In reply to this)
Thanks a lot for the comment and wishes, mate.