NoviusInfernalBerserk's Blog

Why I have extreme "moral value"/fairness-logic and genuine insight despite being a "Malignant Narcissist".

In my last post I talked about being some kind of "dark empath" with a "sensitive core", while having morals despite being "the physical manifestion of the dark tetrad" but I've recently discovered more about myself and realized, that I've got some stuff wrong back then. For context, I will go through my exact condition again, while trying to explain more accurately how something like this is even possible. As mentioned in all my posts, I officially have a combined personality disorder alongside ADHD. It's basically "Malignant Narcissism" on a Borderline foundation (BPO) with a strategically schizoid/avoidant presentation. Although I completely lack affective empathy on my baseline, I still have high levels of cognitive empathy, while also occassionally having Borderline splits into a state of affective hyper-empathy. Appearantly the exact scenario seems to be called "isolation of affect" in combination with structural splitting (which can by the way also lead to dissociation [shutting empathy off on a dysfunctional level]). This means, that I'm usually completely cold, but there can be an up and down spiral of empathy levels with huge spikes in certain situations. To be fair, the cognitive empathy was always high, but has strongly improved during my life and I've also always been strategically introspective, but nowadays developed a high level of metacognition, which ultimately leads to even higher "moral value" combined with a very strategic lifestyle, that's getting the most out of my specific situation. In short one could say, that my baseline is being on the outside border of "malignant narcissism", while hitting the level of factor 1 psychopathy when it comes to the everyday baseline execution of empathy (Basically ~0-1 [but hitting a 7-8 temporarely through Borderline] out of 10).

The thing with temporarely experiencing high affective empathy for me is, that the memory of the experience stays. I personally have an officially measured high memory index (IQ-equivalent of 127) and think, that this might be affecting it as well, while it also significantly increased the hate towards bullies, offenders and general injustice I built through life, since confrontations with rude people, as well as actions of them are more likely to stay on my mind. Technically, these ultimately aren't "moral values" based on a constant feeling of empathy, but based on a hyper-consistent rulebook, that comes from an obsessive demand for systemic consistency (often found in AuDHD overlap), paired with narcissistic rage against those, who don't share it. This would easily explain my extremely defensive malignant execution towards others when I had less metacognition and care regarding general morals in the past. Narcissism in combination with Antisocial traits are indeed like a blind spot when it comes to morals but the combination of high cognitive empathy and metacognition is fighting this for me nowadays. In short, I do not even need high levels of affective empathy or morals in order to feel disgusted by immoral behavior. I simply need a hyper focus on fairness-logic. I also realize, that my main problem really isn't acting out impulsively nowadays. It's not being able to put up with rude people in the long run when it comes to energy management. Despite everything, the narcissistic rage, that's fueled further by borderline and ADHD is there. I can analyze it dead and decide to not care about anyone and therefore not act out on anger, but the border for aggression triggers is still set really low and when I'm in touch with rude people regularly, I'm still containing my anger, which overall leads to constantly being retriggered and dumping a lot of energy when I'd join a social group like a martial arts gym, course or workplace for example. This generally either leads to potential outbursts or, as I already said, more likely being forced into strategical avoidance in my specific case. Especially in martial arts gyms, there's a constant trigger because unless I'm sparring with someone I already know, it's like constantly receiving narcissistic injury and my narcissism is structurally really intense. I currently still don't know how I'd ever get beyond that but I've made my peace with training at home and not being able to regularly enter a gym for now.